The Friend, The Tree and The Chant

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Tornados, Hurricanes and Earthquakes

So I took an overdose. That wasn't so much fun. Spent some time on the psych ward and met some cool patients. I seem to have learned more from them than any of the doctors and nurses that were hovering around me every 30 minutes. Seriously the razors in there are so blunt I had patchy beard face when I tried to to shave, so aint no way they're gonna slice through my veins. Still had to be watched though and the nurse didnt seem to appreciate my humour when I pointed said fact out to her about the razors..oops

I took approx 200mg zopiclone mixed with a selection of paracetamol, co-codamol, ibuprofen and anti-hystamines, basically anything that was in pill form in my house got shoved in my mouth and washed down with half a litre of vodka and a bottle of champagne. I'd been saving the champagne for that exact moment..classy huh?

I don't remember much to be completely honest..there are lots of flashes of memory. I remember putting all the pills in a pile on my bed and started taking them one by one. Eventually I decided it was too slow and started shoving as many as I could wash down in one go. I wrote a lot of letters. Everyone I think I consider important in my life got one. Slight oxymoron there..thinking I have important people in my life when i'm suicidal. In my brain they shouldn't care about me or want me around cos im so much hassle. But they still care about me and have all been annoyingly supportive of my 'getting better'. I say annoyingly supportive..but they're just caring about me. I do know that.

So continuing on..I woke up in hospital the next day. My housemate had found me on my bed unconscious, soaked in my own urine, empty alcohol bottles and pill containers surrounding me with Alanis Morrisette singing Crazy in the background and the cat sat in the corner looking scared shitless. He described it as rather Quentin Tarantino-esque. The thing is, I did it two days earlier than i'd actually planned, which strange as it sounds, probably saved my life. Does that mean I didn't want to die? I don't think so. I still want to die..but now i've had to deal with the aftermath (ahhh...title usage..) of my actions. Talk to the people I was planning on leaving behind and confront a lot of my problems. I say confront..its more that they've been shoved in my face and people are telling me to deal with them but they will help. I don't want help! But I do at the same time.

Don't I?


They asked me if I had racing thoughts today..I think I do but its so hard to explain. My brain never feels empty..when people say clear your head I seriously have no idea what they mean. I feel like i've never experienced a clear head? Im thinking from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. About EVERYTHING.

Listen to Sarah Blasko - We Won't Run. Awesome song.

I was deciding whethere to delete my last blog. I decided against..I guess it makes a nice prologue.